United is Satan [AN PG RR]

Everyone has been on a flight that is late. Whether it is late by a few minutes departing, or one is trapped on the ground for hours at a time, it has happened to just about every air traveler.

Now some one-time, first-time travelers, which I refer to as "mouth breathers" may not have ever experienced this, but trust me it happens. And if it is your first time - unlike the act of coitus - I do not want to hear you say over and over and over again "it's my first time". Also as a kind hint, your baby is crying due to the air pressure changes and not knowing to pop their eustachian tube - give the kid a bottle or a pacifier for the sake of my sanity. And I'll let you in on a big secret, holding a bible and praying for the duration of the flight for the Almighty (or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, depending where you stand on this "God" thing) to protect you during the flight you is not foolish, actually believing that He/She will protect you is foolish.

Anyway, so we arrive late into Denver but still within 20 minutes of the connection. We would have been in a bit earlier but the "wranglers" to help park the plane were not there?! So we get to the gate 10 minutes before departure time, to find the door closed. The United drone says - get this - "We knew you were coming but we had t close the gate." Whatthef*ck?! Was there a special award today for flights leaving early? Of course getting our bags was impossible as they were in a "holding area". I contemplated faking a diabetic fit/coma, but was too tired and hungry.

The real sad thing is that I will be flying United on Wednesday. I never learn.